Is this really happening? I feel like the life is being sucked right out of me as the alarm on the monitor sounds. I will never forget that sound. It signals the end of this life and the entrance into a new one.
WARNING: RAW EMOTION TO FOLLOW.
Maybe my mind cannot comprehend what this all means as it is happening. So much emotion floods my bones. It feels surreal as if I am watching myself and those around me from above the situation, yet, there is nothing as real as death.
My father wants to know if I am okay. That is code for “are you about to fall over?”. Tears spill and all I know how to do is cling to Rick and sob in disbelief. That’s my Dad though, always concerned about how others are doing when in reality, I am sure it was him who wanted to fall to his knees in a sorrow so deep that it just might envelop his entire being.
It was early evening on a cool, yet sunny spring day…April 14, 1994. That was the day we said our goodbyes for now to my mother. Her barely warm body gave way to a breathing tube and her eyes never opened. The doctor had declared her brain dead in the late afternoon. There was just nothing. No words. We had to let her go, and we did.
Really? Oh God, what now? How do we do this? I can’t do this. That is how the conversations with my Lord unfolded on that day.
Sleep came from pure exhaustion. He met me there and ministered to me as I shut my eyes to the darkness of that day.
Then it came, as it always does. The sun makes it grand entrance and the birds sing their new day’s song. It was the morning after the day my mother died. It was gut-wrenching to remember, but remember I must. So, I keep my eyes very still and shut very tight. Maybe, this isn’t real, maybe I had a horrible dream. Reality came rushing in like the ocean tide and then the tears began their descent once more. The next morning….the morning after the day my mother left this world and exchanged it for the real one.
So, today is that day, only twenty-one years later. Yes, I relived those tears and yet, I am more confident than ever about being held in the very palm of the Lord and that He is the One who brings my heart to a place of handing my loved one over into His own now.
Today as I enter His sanctuary, I remember. I remember what a wonderful mother God decided should be my mom and how she loved me and how she cared. I never have to question her intentions or her actions. She was a mother and a wife through and through. It showed in all she did. I am so grateful to have been her child, her daughter. Today is a day to remember….it is the day after. It is the morning after and I know where she is and Whose presence she lives.
Today my mother is more alive than she has ever been….just as she was the morning after. The Lord is my constant, my all. In Him there is new life and new being. This I remember every morning, just as I remember my mother each new day with greater love than the morning before.